What Will The MoldMan Do?

This has become a primary concern. We have decided to emphasize the 'apart' in apartment. The floor is apart; the cabinets will be coming apart; kitchen drawers come out when they feel like it; baseboards are also apart.

It was an idyllic day, or so we thought. Lazing in our retroment and thinking of our next cocktail/happy hour.

The reverie found competition from sounds in the hallway. This was not particularly unusual since in the past twelve months our balcony had been closed for building-wide repairs and the hallway had been dismantled because of several obscure reasons dealing with firecodes and fear of boomerang pushback. However as we left the safety of our bedroom we were in denial as we thought that sea level rise had made its ugly appearance a bit early.

Not quite the crimson tsunami of The Shining but definitely a laminar flow itching to become turbulent was proceeding along our small entrance hallway and eagerly seeking the living room.

“All hands on deck!” “Swab like your life depends on it!”...and other epithets echoed from our crew of two. Towels, robes, terrycloth cabana items were frantically thrown into the making of a temporary dam. But wait...there are two doors into the apartment from the hallway. Oh no! “Damn the dam and head for the kitchen!”

Opening the hallway door to check on the madness out there only gave the water better access. Who knew that dust-bunnies could surf?

Equipment not seen since The Empire Strikes Back began to appear as the troops bravely staunched and sopped. In our place we kept sneaking look's for Mickey/The Sorcerer's Apprentice.

Eventually the hallway pipe had been throttled. A plethora of trash buckets of water were now heading into Biscayne Bay, courtesy of #207. Four apartments took the brunt with the hallway beckoning the White Whale.

So the good news is that sea level rise has not accelerated but we think our insurance rates will.

As we have all come to realize, no one is responsible for anything in 2016. Floods happen.

So began the battle. Now, we have to say, we stand behind our staff here in the building (especially when they are in action) and that the hallway perpetrators were a company that was hired to deal with code irregularities and update existing configurations...ahem.

The next day our building manager came to our place to interview us and survey the damage. He brought with him a contractor who coincidentally worked for the water mitigation group associated with our hallway workers. This has led to a veritable parade of concerned professionals whose concern is evident upon entering but not even as redolent as burnt toast upon the morrow.

We have, soon to be had, laminate flooring in our place. It was very durable and we liked the way it looked. Water has a way of exploring.

For three days of unrelenting cacophony, humidifiers, who were the illegitimate children of Zambonis, reigned rampant in our little love nest. The curling began in two days. Gini tripped on one of the edges on the third day. With the removal of the water vapor eaters it only took a few more days before black stuff seeped through the seams. Squishing became ambiance.

The parade continued with experts. More hand held devices were whipped out and activated than all the Klingon/Borg/Romulan/Federation confrontations combined. Conclusion: “It's wet in here!”

So who is responsible? Oops, sorry! Judgment Tourettes unchecked there. I will try and do better.

Meanwhile, the black stuff continues to ooze as we pondered and waited. By the fourth contractor the advice of taking up the floor echoed. So I take up the floor by the hallway, in the closets, the kitchen and some of the dining room. Phone calls to the hand-held device wielders encouraged us that the mold reports were forthcoming (hack,hack...cough). A little more than a week after wielding and activation we are consoled that mold levels are “elevated” but not bubonic-like. Boy, that's a relief. But another “however”, the mold-clause in our homeowner's allows for mold removal regardless of mold concupiscence of any kind. Oh, btw, that means we tear apart your kitchen cabinets, baseboards, closet doors and neatly pile them in your living room for you to do with as you wish. We'll even “fix” them so you can put them back some day.

And then the moldman advance troop appeared. Confidently he proceeded with assuaging and mollifying as he wielded and pivoted...Was the floor torn up like this when the original measurements were taken? No. ...I am so sorry, mold perturbation is a serious issue. Were you hermetically sealed along with the affected region during de-flooring? This omission, I discover, is the equivalent of making our entire apartment a veritable Plato's Retreat for fungus. Fear of further wielding and pivoting lurks; the master air conditioning unit must be expurgated. Very small people need to be recruited and injected into our intake vents with swabs (wielding ensues).

As of this writing we have looked upon the event as an excuse to remodel the “apart”ment with the help of a line of credit and maybe even some insurance money. Oh yeah, porcelain tile is on the list.